Mini-freak out time..

You ever have those mornings where everything is fine, you’re okay with life, then suddenly you read something that isn’t even that bad while sitting at your desk at work and just.. BAM, you find yourself having a sudden mega-panic attack for no reason? Panic attack might not be the best term for it, but you basically start to think about something, overanalyze it, panic sets in, and next thing you know you’ve got tears welling up, lump in your throat, and your nose gets all stuffed… All while staring at your computer screen, hoping your co-worker doesn’t notice. I did the whole “Ughhh allergies! My eyes and nose are driving me nuts!” schpeal so she wouldn’t catch me crying, haha. Worked like a charm..

Anyway, that’s me right now. Or well, was a minute ago. I’ve calmed myself down enough that the tears didn’t make it down my face, no blubbering through snot, and the lump has gone away.. But dear lord, that could’ve been a disaster.

You might be wondering what the hell I’m even freaking out about. Today?

Found on Google Images

It’s kids. It’s the thought of having kids.. Well no, I shouldn’t say it’s the thought of having kids, because that’s something I know Matt and I both want. It’s more the logistics; will I be able to be a stay at home mom for the first bit of their precious life? If not, isn’t it going to cost a TON of money for daycare? How will this change the dynamic between Matt and I? What about my family? Who will want to be involved, who won’t?

There’s various reasons why I panic over these questions. Some stem from my childhood, some from my parent’s divorce, some from just the whole financial-perspective, some just because um, they’re legitimate questions… This all stemmed from me reading a post on A Practical Wedding about having babies and why it’s not that bad, and it just slammed me hard, for no apparent reason (though I’m pretty sure me being overly emotional right now over everything because of um.. err, that time of the month, had a pretty large hand in this whole freak out). That being said, I just couldn’t STOP my emotions and my thoughts from running around and taunting me, thinking of things that would happen in absolute worst-case scenarios.

All the meanwhile, Matt’s doing his best to prevent my freakout turning into a major breakdown. He reminded me these are things we really don’t need to worry about for a long time (we’re talking 2 years here, people), we’ll cross the bridge when we get to it, etc. It’s just crazy because I sometimes forget we’re so far away from having kids, yet it feels so much closer. Maybe it’s because I feel like a lot of people around me are having children, and I start to think about it, as if it’s happening tomorrow. It’s not, and I need to step back and not worry so much about it.

Sure, I hope that I can be a stay at home Mom for a bit, and maybe I will be, maybe I won’t be. I really have no idea how it’s going to turn out. Yes, it’s going to change the relationship between Matt and I, and I’m sure there are times where we’re going to want to tear our hair out, but it’s only going to strengthen things. I have faith in at least that much. And I know that even when I have these sudden moments of panic, and sometimes think, “Well shit, is a kid something I really want?” I start to picture my future with Matt and I can’t picture us NOT having at least one little peanut running around. I know kids, one way or another (even adoption), will be in our future, and we will work it out when we get to that time. But for now? I need to chill out on the baby-panic.



Filed under Adulthood

6 responses to “Mini-freak out time..

  1. The one thing I did agree with in the series of articles about babies linked off APW was the bit about not intrinsically knowing what to do as a mother. I think the world still assumes that women know their roles as wives, mothers, etc. innately. Um, no. We are all newbies. We aren’t born with this knowledge. We need help and support and encouragement. I think it’s ok to panic about logistics but I think a lot is just letting it happen and being YOU within being a mom. If that makes sense.

    • Yeah it’s funny because, right now, I think I’d be a pretty awesome Mom, but when you REALLY think about how you’re going to discipline your kid, and your parenting style… That’s a LOT to think about! I think we might be born with a natural instinct to love your kid and stuff, but I don’t think you’re suddenly blessed with this knowledge of, “Okay, disciplining my kid THIS way will make it so they turn out this way..”

      That’s not how it works, and it’s not easy. As long as I’ve got Matt in it with me, and we work as a team of parents (trying to avoid the mean mom vs. nice dad and be a team instead), I think we’ll be pretty a-okay. I’m going to do things the way we want, because it’s our kid.

      Staying true to yourself as a parent is really important and I think that’s a really good point to bring up.

  2. BFO

    you two are going to be awesome parents when the time comes. I have absolutely zero doubts about this. I hope that helps 🙂 -BFO

    • Thanks Brian. I do think we’ll be pretty awesome. We do kind of already have a little practice with Milo and Anya, no? Hahaha. They’re such a handful sometimes!

  3. Karen

    I think it’s good to realize how much work it’s going to be… many people just jump into it without really thinking about the logistics, breastfeeding pain, marriage, etc. and I think that’s what gets people into trouble. The fact that you’re expecting things to be hard means you’re being a mature adult and taking everything into consideration and making an informed decision. All qualities that moms should have!

    • I totally agree and thank you for this comment; I really needed to hear something like that.

      Having kids is a HUGE decision and it does affect your life.. I’m amazed at how some people forget or don’t think about what comes along with having children. I want to make sure I’m ready to be an awesome Mom to my kid(s), so I’d rather wait and make sure I have all of my questions (or at least the ones that should be answered!) figured out before we’re ready for kids.

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