You ever have those mornings where everything is fine, you’re okay with life, then suddenly you read something that isn’t even that bad while sitting at your desk at work and just.. BAM, you find yourself having a sudden mega-panic attack for no reason? Panic attack might not be the best term for it, but you basically start to think about something, overanalyze it, panic sets in, and next thing you know you’ve got tears welling up, lump in your throat, and your nose gets all stuffed… All while staring at your computer screen, hoping your co-worker doesn’t notice. I did the whole “Ughhh allergies! My eyes and nose are driving me nuts!” schpeal so she wouldn’t catch me crying, haha. Worked like a charm..
Anyway, that’s me right now. Or well, was a minute ago. I’ve calmed myself down enough that the tears didn’t make it down my face, no blubbering through snot, and the lump has gone away.. But dear lord, that could’ve been a disaster.
You might be wondering what the hell I’m even freaking out about. Today?
It’s kids. It’s the thought of having kids.. Well no, I shouldn’t say it’s the thought of having kids, because that’s something I know Matt and I both want. It’s more the logistics; will I be able to be a stay at home mom for the first bit of their precious life? If not, isn’t it going to cost a TON of money for daycare? How will this change the dynamic between Matt and I? What about my family? Who will want to be involved, who won’t?
There’s various reasons why I panic over these questions. Some stem from my childhood, some from my parent’s divorce, some from just the whole financial-perspective, some just because um, they’re legitimate questions… This all stemmed from me reading a post on A Practical Wedding about having babies and why it’s not that bad, and it just slammed me hard, for no apparent reason (though I’m pretty sure me being overly emotional right now over everything because of um.. err, that time of the month, had a pretty large hand in this whole freak out). That being said, I just couldn’t STOP my emotions and my thoughts from running around and taunting me, thinking of things that would happen in absolute worst-case scenarios.
All the meanwhile, Matt’s doing his best to prevent my freakout turning into a major breakdown. He reminded me these are things we really don’t need to worry about for a long time (we’re talking 2 years here, people), we’ll cross the bridge when we get to it, etc. It’s just crazy because I sometimes forget we’re so far away from having kids, yet it feels so much closer. Maybe it’s because I feel like a lot of people around me are having children, and I start to think about it, as if it’s happening tomorrow. It’s not, and I need to step back and not worry so much about it.
Sure, I hope that I can be a stay at home Mom for a bit, and maybe I will be, maybe I won’t be. I really have no idea how it’s going to turn out. Yes, it’s going to change the relationship between Matt and I, and I’m sure there are times where we’re going to want to tear our hair out, but it’s only going to strengthen things. I have faith in at least that much. And I know that even when I have these sudden moments of panic, and sometimes think, “Well shit, is a kid something I really want?” I start to picture my future with Matt and I can’t picture us NOT having at least one little peanut running around. I know kids, one way or another (even adoption), will be in our future, and we will work it out when we get to that time. But for now? I need to chill out on the baby-panic.