Category Archives: Reflections

Dealing with the Emotions of Losing Weight…

While I’ve been on hiatus from my blog, I grew a mustache. I thought it complimented my face pretty well, and I’m hoping it sticks around…

Okay, beautiful mustache aside, this has been the longest hiatus from my blog ever. I just haven’t wanted to write in here. What prompted me to finally make a little comeback was a conversation I had with Matt last night about losing weight and people’s reactions to it. While most of it I don’t really want to talk about on here, because it’d probably make me look like a raging ungrateful asshole, I don’t mind talking about some other things I’ve noticed… Plus, I’m having one of those days where I started nagging Matt while he was driving about dealing with traffic, and in turn I just made myself feel like a huge jerkface, when combined with my current issues I’m dealing with… It resulted in a not-so-fun start to my morning of basically feeling like the worst human being/wife ever. I’m fine now, or well, at least a lot better than I was before, but I still want to talk about the emotions I’ve been feeling lately. I’m not sure anyone will be able to understand this, and I’m a little concerned I’ll either come off as a wackadoo or being jerk, but MAYBE, just maybe, there’s someone else out there going through weight loss and will understand where this is all coming from.

I’m way too hard on myself. I always knew that losing weight would result in some emotions coming up and me having to deal with them head-to-head. I knew this day would come. I would have a serious battle with myself, and I think that’s been happening and festering inside of me for awhile now. I’ve lost close to 60 pounds (57 to be exact), and while everyone around me is really happy for me, cheering me on, telling me what an amazing accomplishment it is, I’m sitting over here not being able to enjoy it. Why? Because I still have so much more to lose to even be considered healthy. It’s gotten better, in terms of being proud of what I have done. I swear to God it has, but it’s definitely not 100% positive on my side of things.

It’s hard to look at myself in the mirror and feel proud of how I look right now. Well actually, that’s only half true. Half the time I look in the mirror when I’m wearing something I really like, I feel really good about myself and feel how I SHOULD be feeling right now. But then, half the time I look at myself in something, or after I’ve gotten out of the shower, and I feel terrible. I’ve still got fat arms, and honestly, I could go on here, but basically, I’m not happy with what I see. So it’s a 50/50 chance right now of me looking in the mirror and either seeing one of the following:

“OH HEY GIRL YOU LOOK SO GOOD! SO MUCH SMALLER THAN BEFORE!” (See in this photo I was feelin’ good!)

OR

“OMG WHYYYY AM I NOT GETTING ANY SMALLER? WHY AM I STILL A FAT BLOB?” (And thus I find myself making this face in the mirror.)

So friends, it’s been a battle. It really has been. Half the time I feel proud of myself, the other half of the time I feel like I need to be losing more weight on a weekly basis and that this whole weight loss thing that my body seems to be resisting against is the most frustrating thing I’ve ever dealt with and that I’m just a failure.

It’s funny because as I’m sitting here writing this, I KNOW that I’m not a failure. I really do! But then something just triggers inside my head, perhaps old demons from my past, I don’t really freakin’ know, but something sets off in my mind and starts telling me that I am a failure and that my numbers should be way bigger than 1-2 pounds (or sometimes a big fat zero). I do think the scale is a big part of it. Which is why I am declaring no weigh-ins until maybe, I don’t know, for a month? I said before I’d do every other week or whatever, but even that was frustrating. This will hopefully help prevent the thing that triggers my mind to basically verbally abuse myself, like some bootcamp instructor, telling me I shouldn’t be proud and I’m always going to be fat.

So it has been difficult to stop and smell the roses, which is honestly quite unfortunate. I SHOULD be stopping to smell the roses, because what I’ve done over the past 7 months is fabulous. I GET THAT. And I get that right now while I’m writing this. But I would be totally lying to you if I said that this is my mindset all the time. Because it’s not. I spend time just being mad that I am not losing weight quicker. I’m working on this, on improving myself and my brain, in telling myself that I am doing well, I’m on an excellent path. I think a lot of this stems from being younger and constantly being teased about being fat (especially by my brother, but most kids tend to torture their siblings and I know I had my fair share of pot shots at him), but that’s MY problem and nobody else’s. I chose to eat what I ate, even after I graduated from high school and after I moved to Seattle (when I put on the most weight). This is nobody’s fault but my own, and so I need to figure out how to get past the self-destructive thoughts.

What I will say though, is through all of these negative thoughts I have had, not once have I wanted to totally binge on shitty food (or at least not BECAUSE I feel upset). It used to be that I would stuff my face when I felt negative emotions. Someone called me fat? Oh, let me eat some cookies or greasy food to make myself better. But now, I don’t do that. If anything I just beat myself up for a little bit and then eat something healthy. Or use that negative emotion to make myself work out when I really don’t want to. This is the part I’m really proud of myself for and I feel like I’m finally taking the negative feelings and turning them into something positive, instead of shutting down and stuffing my emotions.

I think talking about how I feel, talking about how yes, sometimes I feel shitty about myself and my weight loss, and not denying any of that is really really important on this journey, or whatever you want to call it. If I’m not honest with myself, honest in how I sometimes compare myself to Matt and his weight loss (ugh I know, it’s bad and I try to make myself not do that) and can get jealous, honest in how I sometimes get annoyed when I feel like people are telling me I look “skinny” not because they genuinely think that, but just because they’re trying to be nice (this sounds ridiculously harsh and terrible but I can tell when someone is genuinely impressed with my weight loss vs. just being nice)…

Sometimes I need to be honest about these emotions in dealing with my weight loss and just SAY IT OUT LOUD. For the longest time I held in my negative feelings by stuffing them down with bad food. But I refuse to do that anymore and will be honest whenever I can be about how I truly feel.

So no, weight loss is not a 100% positive or glamorous experience. In fact, it’s really fucking difficult. Not so much in trying not stuffing my emotions away with food, but rather dealing with these negative thoughts that come up time and time again. I know it’s only going to continue as I lose more weight, but at least I am ready to deal with this all head on and not pretend that everything is perfect all the time. Because it isn’t, and this is me being honest and open about it.

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Filed under Getting healthy, Reflections, Weight Loss

When things get difficult…

I haven’t really wanted to write a whole lot here recently. Last week was hard and I wanted nothing more than to not talk to anyone, not listen to anyone’s problems, to just zone out and be quiet for awhile. I’m still feeling this way a little, and I find myself more often than not getting lost in my own thoughts and not really listening to people. My cousin Ricky passed away last week at the age of 33, and it hit the whole family really hard.

I knew I’d be sad; I love my family, even though on that side (my Mom’s side) I don’t get to see them very often at all, especially now that I live on the west coast. My Mom is one of 13, and everyone has at least one kid (usually more than that), and now some of those kids have kids, so basically.. My family is HUGE. But yet, somehow, even though there are tons of us, we’re still close. When I found out Ricky passed away, I just couldn’t stop thinking about him, his wife, his two little girls, his mother, his brothers and sister Amy… I could go on. The whole family is devastated. Rick was known for his smile and you could always see how much he loved his family. He worked hard to provide for his family but always made time for Molly and Lucy.. To lose him now, so suddenly, it’s hard to sit and think about how everyone needs to stay strong. How can you stay strong when you’ve lost so much?

It put a lot of things in my life into perspective. I knows it’s cliche to say the whole, “Life’s too short”, but this is when I realize, it really is. It’s been forcing me to think about the hard things, the things that I don’t want to think about. So I’ve been trying to keep my mind occupied by other things, to not think about death, but it’s hard. Things keep bringing me back to it. And I can’t stop thinking about Rick’s family. Those two little girls… It literally has broken my heart for them.

The one thing that I remind myself of is the huge family we do have; they are there to support each other when they need it the most. To support Trish and the girls, Auntie Dottie, Amy, Sean, and Jason.. The family is there for them. It’s hard to be 3,000 miles away from it all, when you want nothing more than to just offer some sort of help or support, but can only offer words. I do find comfort, though, in knowing that my family is there for them when they need it most.

Rick is going to be sorely missed by so many people, and I really don’t think the healing process is going to be easy. But the one thing you can find comfort in for now is the friends and family that are there to help start the process… It’s going to be a very long road but I find comfort in knowing that Rick will continue live on through Molly and Lucy.

Rest in peace, Ricky..

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Filed under Family, Reflections

First year of marriage…

I’ve been married for over a year now. MARRIED. That seems so weird to me sometimes; I’m Matt’s wife, and Matt’s my husband. More often than not, I wonder when the hell I got to be old enough to even be someone’s wife. Or to refer to ourselves as the Magnusons. That’s such a weird feeling. But let me clarify that it’s not a BAD weird, just a weird weird. I think it just makes me feel old. I’m 26, almost 27. Like since when did I hit my late twenties?

Anyway, forgetting the whole feeling old thing, I wanted to write a reflection on my first year of marriage. All things considered, it was a wonderful first year. We learned something new about each other on a daily basis, we laughed a LOT, we had our first Christmas as a married couple (and spoiled the crap out of our dogs/children with plenty of toys, while Matt spoiled me with a brand new iMac that I had no idea I was getting, haha), went on our first big vacation EVER (yay for Disney World honeymoon!), filed taxes jointly for the first time, decided to get healthy (Oh hey what’s up almost 130 pounds lost between the two of us?), AND celebrated 8 years since we had our first date

So much has happened since we got married. Have things been absolutely perfect? No, of course not, but when they’re not perfect, we’ve learned to be there for each other, supporting the other one through thick and thin, and really have listened to each other. Though we’ve been together for 8 years, there’s something about celebrating that first year as being married that just… It’s just a great feeling. If anything, it’s made me look forward so much more to our future years together.

One last thing I wanted to quickly note: I remember wondering at one point, while planning our wedding, whether or not I was more excited for the wedding itself or marriage. It got to a point where I think at times I got so swallowed up by planning that wedding that I forgot about the fact that I was more looking forward to the actual marriage part of things instead of one single day event. Being married is the best part of it all, not the wedding. I loved our wedding, I really did, but I just wanted to be able to call Matt my husband and start this next chapter of our lives.

And now that it’s been a year, I can officially say that marriage is really really awesome and I could not ask for a better husband (or best friend) to hold my hand and be by my side for the rest of my life.

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Filed under Marriage, Reflections

Are you there, Inspiration? It’s me, Danielle

Man, I’ve been lacking some serious inspiration as of late when it comes to my writing and some other stuff. I think it might have to do with the fact that work’s been more stressful as of late… But not in a bad way! My job has me writing a LOT more than I did before, so it’s almost like all of my creative writing energy has been going into writing for work vs. writing for pleasure… So in turn, my poor blog’s been neglected.

It’s also hard when you go from having a private/friends-only blog where you can write about anything and everything, and not really have to worry about everything you say. Even that, though, became more and more neglected. And maybe that’s in turn because my life doesn’t even seem that interesting! Not being interesting doesn’t mean that I’m not happy, because really, I am. But they say drama always makes the best writing, and unfortunately there’s not a ton of drama going on in my life right now that I can actively write about.

I know I set out to make this all about my weight loss and getting healthy… And I’ve continued that. But I find myself not making anything new when it comes to recipes as of late, sticking with easy salads and wraps.. Cooking in the summer really isn’t much fun; I find myself doing that a lot more than the weather is rainy and we’re stuck inside… I’m actually kind of looking forward to the fall and winter because of this. I love the summer, I love seeing the sun and being outside and wearing shorts… but I also adore the fall and winter and how cozy our house gets.

So yes, I’m sorry. I’ve said it multiple times on my blog but I really am. I wish I could say I have tons of things to talk about on here, to tell you about.. but I don’t! There are a few topics I know I want to get into regarding weight loss, getting healthy, and some of the interesting observations I’ve made.. PLUS I actually have plans to have a guest blog post from the one and only Matt, but even he’s fallen behind on that.

I need to figure out how to get around this sudden road block with my writing. I’m struggling with what I want this blog to be, where I want it to go, and in turn I’ve kind of turned my back on my writing. It’s hard finding this weird balance of not saying too much or blabbing too much about my personal life, to the point that I bore people or someone finds this and it turns into a nightmare (not that I say anything inappropriate, but you know!).. but also not saying enough, like I definitely have been recently.

I should probably sit down sometime this week and really determine what I want from this whole thing. Is it to just talk about losing weight, or food, or exercising or just LIFE in general? I honestly have no idea, and that’s becoming a problem… It overwhelms me when I think about it, like an extra chore on top of all the other things I have on my plate with work and other stuff. Some nights I don’t want to write, after a long work day, and would rather sit around and relax while playing a game on my iPad. Other nights, writing is what I want to do, but I lack something to write about.

I never really imagined that this blog would end up being such a tough thing for me… in terms of writing or not having enough to say. Those who know me know that I love to talk, I love to tell stories… but when it comes to this blog, I just lack inspiration and direction.

Matt and I are planning a weekend spent up at the family cabin, where there is no internet, where we relax by a fire, let our doggies run around by a river, where we talk and watch movies and sometimes make road trips to the small Bavarian town of Leavenworth… I think it is there that I will sit my butt down and force myself to draw up a plan for this blog and my writing. I’m tired of having excuses, tired of feeling guilty that I haven’t updated… But I absolutely refuse to stop writing, and I am beginning to think I might want to delve into the hard topics of weight loss and getting healthy. Maybe that will drive some people away, maybe that will draw more people in.

I don’t really know, but I’ve gotta find a balance, I’ve gotta make a plan… and I need to find the inspiration that I need and that I’m looking for right now.

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Filed under Getting healthy, Reflections, Weight Loss

Bittersweet…

This weekend was one of those weekends that was so bittersweet, I look back and recognized a roller coaster of emotions.

Friday we came home from work and took it pretty easy, as I wasn’t feel 100% due to stomach issues. Thankfully I’m off the Vicodin and only have a few more days of the antibiotics, so hopefully those issues stay far, far away. Matt got some exciting news, but otherwise it was a pretty quiet night.

Saturday we woke up early to a beautiful day, and headed out to get some breakfast and to run errands. But before all of that, we did our weekly weigh-in, which I know I’d mentioned in a post this past week that I did not expect to lose very much.. Matt went first, and announced he’d lost 4.3 pounds. I screamed in delight, because this marked Matt hitting a 50 pound weight loss! He’s down 52 pounds, and I could not be more proud of him. He looks amazing (and hot!) and I can tell how much more confidence he’s gained in himself already.

After Matt went downstairs, I nervously made my way over to the scale, hoping for even just a loss of a pound. To my absolute surprise and delight, I looked down and had lost 4.8 pounds! I hit the 40 pound mark that I’ve been so close to hitting for a few weeks now, surpassing it by hitting 42. I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty damn proud of myself. I know I say that practically every week with a loss, but to be losing more weight than I ever have in my life is an amazing feeling. I feel more confident, I feel like this is finally it, I’m finally doing what I’ve struggled to do for so many years. I’ve got a remarkably long road to go, but to be where we are after 3 months is an amazing feeling. 94 pounds we’ve lost overall. I feel great.

We got ourselves out the door and ran errands in the sun, grabbing breakfast at Starbucks, then stopping by Target, Bath and Body Works, then roaming the Kent Farmer’s Market/Kent Cornucopia Days. It’s this huge market of vendors with flowers and honey and food and music and everything. We picked up some apple honey and blackberry honey, each got a Fisher scone (THE best scones with amazing raspberry preserves), then headed up to Issaquah to Trader Joe’s.

After stocking up on my favorite Tomato Basil hummus Matt’s seaweed snacks (ugh they’re so gross), among other things, we stopped by Matt’s parents’ house for a bit to catch up on things, play with their goofy dogs and ended up staying there for awhile.

After getting home, I snuck in some cleaning out of the pool and shocking it, getting it ready for some really hot days (if we ever see them)… After finally sitting down, everything came to a screeching halt… We found out through the news that our friend Cara’s boyfriend, Ryan, passed away in a hydroplane accident. As soon as I heard his name I felt like I was going to throw up. I didn’t know what to do; neither did Matt. We both just sat in shock and were so upset by this, not only at the loss of Ryan, who we felt like we were starting to get to know more and more and also considered a friend, but our hearts also broke for Cara.

It’s something that is still heavy on my mind today, as I can’t even imagine what Cara is going through. To lose your partner, your best friend… It left me speechless. I won’t go on about it, but it is one of those moments that you wish you could do something to fix it, but there isn’t anything anyone can do and you just grieve instead. I’ve tried keeping myself busy and distracted, but my thoughts seem to make their way back to thinking about Cara and Ryan. I’m absolutely heartbroken for Cara, and I know that Ryan is going to be sorely missed by a lot of people, including us.

I don’t really know why these things happen, and I don’t think I ever will. Our Sunday was a relatively quiet one, with breakfast in the morning with my sister-in-law Carrie, running a few errands and doing our usual Sunday chores… But most of the day Matt and I had quiet moments as I think both of our minds and our hearts were really with our friends with such a terrible tragedy.

It was a bittersweet weekend, with some ups and absolute heartbreak, and I just ask that if you read this, and even if you don’t know them, if you wouldn’t mind sending a few thoughts and prayers to our friends Cara and Ryan, it would be immensely appreciated.

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Filed under Reflections, Weekend

So little time…

Guys, I feel like I’ve failed you as of late. My updates have been amazingly sporadic, moreso than usual, and I really don’t like that. To be fair, life has been absolutely nuts as of late, and then we finally went on our much-anticipated camping trip/vacation to Orcas Island, where we entirely unplugged (aside from a few times while in the local town where we got reception) and totally relaxed. I plan on writing a pretty big post full of photos on that trip, however it needs to wait until tomorrow evening as by the time I uploaded, tagged, and gave captions to all of the photos from the trip on Facebook, it was suddenly 10:45pm and there was no time to write such an epic update.

That being said, what I can say for now is that I have been on such a roller coaster as of late with work mainly, and just when I thought things were only going to get worse and the light at the end of the tunnel was never going to be found… Things changed dramatically. While I can’t say a whole ton, I can say I am going to be a much happier person and doing things that I actually have an interest in and a passion for. This, in turn, should make my life in the evenings a lot less stressful, with less hour-plus long conversations about work and what I’m going to do, and more time to write and do the things that I love the most.

I know I’ve said this before, and it’s no excuse, but I swear things really have been crazy… And when they haven’t been, I have been so drained that writing has seemed so out of reach, and for that I apologize.

With that I promise starting now to go back to more updates about my life, weight loss (Did I mention I gained this week? Not too upset considering we were on vacation and we have a rule about eating what we want while on vacation…), emotions, recipes, exercising (I got to see the free gym that I get access to starting next week when we move to a new building at work!), and everything else under the sun.

I am excited for what’s to come, and am also so happy that things are starting to finally look up after a long stretch of darkness for me in certain areas of my life. Thank you guys for hanging in there with me, for bearing with my sudden lack of updates/really short updates, and for being all around wonderful people. I just hope you’re still reading and actually still give a crap!

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Just keep swimming

So I should probably start and apologize for a lack of a blog post, but things have been a little bonkers since we got home. Work has been work, and some other things have kept me extremely busy in my free time, so it kind of prevented me from posting something.

This won’t be much of a long post either, because yet again, my night seemed to slip away from me. Lately that’s how it’s been; I get home from work at 5:30, and I swear it’s like I blink and it’s suddenly 10 o’clock. I mean, I’m just not understanding where the time goes.

Honestly though, due to circumstances that are keeping me somewhat busy outside of work during the week, I think blog posts will be done every other day. It gives me time to think about what I want to talk about but also gives me time to do some other outside stuff that’s kind of important right now. I know I’m being remarkably vague but I need to be, so, yeah. Sorry!

I think once I’m back into the swing of things, and able to balance work among other things I’ll be back to the norm. Plus it’s a long weekend ahead which is always a good thing! So just bear with me for a few more days and I promise things will be back to normal.

For now, I’ll leave you with pictures of the dogs because they make me happy.

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Filed under Adulthood, Reflections